When at Wit’s End
April 14, 2025

Our children are hard-wired to test boundaries. They do this while simultaneously wanting assurance that they are accepted and belong. While this tendency may try our patience, it helps to remember that children just want to know that we can maintain both limits and connection.


Over the years, we’ve found four key approaches that, when used in parallel, can help re-establish relationships, provide clarity of expectations and routines, and help children feel understood and valued.


Mistaken Goals


Often, our children act out when their needs are not being met in some way. If we can understand what our children are trying to achieve through their behavior, we can address these underlying needs. The Positive Discipline model identifies how many behaviors stem from four mistaken goals: the desire for attention, the need for power, the hunger for revenge, and the assumption of inadequacy. 


If children’s goal is attention, the coded message behind the behavior is "notice me" or "involve me usefully.” If the need is power, their behavior conveys that they need meaningful ways to contribute. If children are trying to get revenge, they are communicating they are hurting or need their feelings validated. When their goal is assumed inadequacy, expressed by giving up or wanting to be left alone, the message behind their behavior is a need for others to believe in their capability and show them small steps toward success.


We tend to have emotional responses when our children misbehave, and those feelings are the key to breaking the code of behavior. We recommend using this Positive Discipline Mistaken Goal chart. Use the first column to identify how we feel when faced with the behavior. The subsequent columns (such as how we tend to react and our child’s response) help hone in on the possible mistaken goal. Then, the chart also helps identify the possible beliefs behind the behavior, how adults may contrive, the underlying message, and proactive and empowering responses to shift the behavior. 


Pausing and remembering that misbehavior is a form of communication can help us respond to our children in more supportive ways. 


Playful Parenting


Play allows children to process and make sense of their lives. They need play, and as Lawrence J. Cohen, PhD, so eloquently explains in his book, Playful Parenting, children need the adults in their lives to play, too. Even though we may not feel like playing, by engaging in this way, we can create more closeness, cooperation, and confidence in our children.  


When there is a particularly tricky situation that keeps arising–perhaps bedtime, getting out of the house, sharing with a sibling, or something else–using a “playful parenting” model can help. To do this, first, briefly discuss the challenge together during a relaxed time when everyone is in a good mood. This conversation should be non-judgmental and focused more on making observations. For example, “I’ve noticed that when it’s time to leave for school, you seem to get really stuck, and then I get angry because we will be late. Have you noticed that?” This can be a time for your child to share their perspective, too. 


Then, with your child, try acting out the scenario in different ways: when everything goes well, when everything falls apart, with a new approach, etc. It’s also super enlightening and fun to try reversing roles. Have your child be the adult, and you be your child. Not only does this lighten the mood about a friction-causing moment, it can also provide both parties some insight into the other’s perspective. Plus, this playful approach strengthens the bond you have with your child.


Special Time


Another way to proactively cultivate a positive relationship is by scheduling “special time.” Our children need our undivided attention, yet so often, as parents, we are pulled in many directions. One way to address this is to commit to having five to ten minutes of one-on-one time with each child. Let your children know that this is when you will be with them one-on-one and 100%. If you have more than one child, each gets to choose what you both do together during that time, and it’s important to schedule separate one-on-one time with each. 


Be sure to play anything they want during this time and commit to the time together. Children love this special time, and be forewarned, they tend to choose the activity we least enjoy! If this is the case, remember it is only for a short duration. Use a timer and stay committed to having the time each day. This undivided attention helps children feel secure and connected. The result? They are more cooperative with us and each other.


Let Routines Rule


If struggles arise around particular times of day (bedtime, mealtime, transitions, getting ready for school, etc.), shifting to a visual schedule can really help. The key is to collaborate (again during a relaxed time when everyone is in a good mood) with your child to create a visual schedule of what needs to happen during these typically challenging times of the day. For example, if bedtime is tough, brainstorm together about all the steps: brushing teeth, bath time, pajamas, picking out clothes for the next day, storytime, etc. Then together, you can create images, either by drawing them or taking photos of your child doing each step. 


This visual schedule can be a checklist that is laminated so your child can use a dry-erase marker to check off each item they have completed, or pictures can be attached with velcro so they are movable (which allows room for the order to be changed if your child can reorder the flow of events). The idea behind this is to give children a sense of control and to also take the focus off of us reminding them of the next steps. When our children hear us giving constant reminders about what to do next, they can easily slip into resistance mode. Plus, by providing information through the visual sense (not just the auditory sense), a visual schedule helps children understand more concretely and remember the expected structure and sequence.


We’d love to hear how these techniques work for you! Parenting can be an emotionally exhausting experience. One of the gifts of these strategies is that they can also help you reconnect to the joy of raising these amazing (and challenging) beings! Also, let us know if you’d like to schedule a time to come visit in person. We love sharing insights and ideas about supporting children!


Montessori Materials Explained: The Fundamental Needs Charts
May 26, 2025
Through Fundamental Needs Charts, Montessori students discover how all people meet life’s essential needs, nurturing empathy and understanding.
Practical Life Has Purpose!
May 19, 2025
The Purposes of Practical Life in Montessori In a Montessori classroom, practical life activities play a foundational role in supporting children’s development, independence, and connection to their environment. Because children are actively absorbing and adapting to the world around them, everything we offer in practical life serves a developmental need. Supporting Independence One of the primary goals of practical life is to nurture children’s functional independence—the ability to care for oneself and the environment and interact meaningfully within a community. The first plane of development (0 to 6 years) is marked by a strong drive for independence, with children eager to do things for themselves. By the time a child enters the Children’s House (approximately ages 2.5 to 6), they have already made strides toward independence. However, they still require an environment that allows them to refine their skills. In the world, children generally encounter a number of obstacles to their independence: Household processes (e.g., cleaning dishes in the dishwasher) may be hidden or too complex. Tools are adult-sized and difficult for small hands to use. Movements happen too quickly for children to absorb (e.g., tying a shoe). The Montessori environment addresses these barriers by providing: Child-sized tools for daily activities, such as preparing food and caring for the classroom. A clear, ordered sequence of movements that children can observe and repeat. The freedom to practice skills at their own pace, allowing them to move from passive observers to active participants. Supporting the Sensitive Period for Movement We also recognize that young children are in a critical period for refining their control and coordination. So practical life activities are designed to help children refine their movements in purposeful ways, directing children’s attention and energy toward focused, intentional actions. Walking on the line of an ellipse develops balance and control. Pouring water from a basin to a bucket refines precision. Carrying a tray teaches careful, measured movements. One of the most challenging yet essential aspects of movement is control. It takes effort to stop pouring just before a cup overflows or use only a small drop of polish when shining an object. By engaging in these exercises, children strengthen their willpower and gradually master their own actions. Supporting the Sensitive Period for Order Children in the first plane of development have an innate need for external order, which is reflected in their surroundings and daily routines. Montessori environments support this in a variety of ways. We ensure that activities have a logical sequence of steps so as children learn new concepts, they can also rely on the sequencing. Materials are placed in a specific order on the shelves, moving left to right and top to bottom so children begin to internalize the same patterning we use for reading as they work through the easier and most concrete activities to the most challenging and abstract. Montessori activities are color-coded. For the youngest children this means that all of the items for something like window washing will have the same color which helps children keep the set together. As children get older the color-coding is designed to help them grasp concepts like place value in math or parts of speech in language. Once children internalize these structures, they gain confidence and independence, allowing them to complete tasks from start to finish without adult intervention. Assisting with Cultural Adaptation Practical life activities reflect real-world tasks that children observe in their daily lives. Children are naturally drawn to meaningful work—they want to help, imitate, and participate. For example, in Dr. Montessori’s early observations in San Lorenzo, she saw that children were fascinated by the gardener and the custodian, eagerly following and watching their work. Children see adults doing marvelous activities, and children want to learn the skills to participate! Through practical life activities, children engage in culturally relevant tasks that allow them to feel like valuable members of their community. Supporting Orientation Orientation is a fundamental human tendency—we all seek to understand our surroundings and how to function within them. Practical life exercises help children orient to the Montessori classroom by introducing essential routines. For example, we take the time to teach children things that might otherwise be taken for granted, such as: How to carry a chair properly. How to greet a friend. How to roll and unroll a work rug. How to ask for help. By taking time to demonstrate these tasks, we show respect for the child and provide the knowledge they need to act confidently in their space. Supporting the Development of Concentration Practical life activities serve as a gateway to deep concentration. The freedom to choose and repeat exercises allows children to follow their intrinsic motivation and work toward self-perfection. When children reach deep concentration, they experience: Joy and a sense of fulfillment. An increased connection to others. A natural reduction in undesirable behaviors. The ability to repeat an activity for as long as needed also supports children’s sensitive period for order and mastery. This is why practical life often serves as the first point of engagement for children in the Montessori classroom. Supporting the Development of the Will Practical life exercises help children develop willpower and self-control by bridging the gap between impulse and deliberate action. At first, children act on instinct, but through repeated exercises, they learn to: Act consciously and voluntarily. Perfect their actions through self-correction. Develop grace, courtesy, and social awareness. Whether through learning how to clean up a spill or preparing snack to share with others, children learn to control their impulses and consider the needs of others. Dr. Montessori beautifully summarized this transformation in The Discovery of the Child: “The grace and dignity of their behavior and the ease of their movements are the corollaries to what they have gained through their own patient and laborious efforts. In a word, they are ‘self-controlled,’ and to the extent that they are thus controlled, they are free from the control of others.” Practical life is far more than just pouring, scrubbing, and folding—it is the foundation for independence, concentration, order, and social development. These carefully designed activities help children orient to their world, refine their movements, and develop the willpower to act with purpose. By embracing practical life, we give children the tools to engage meaningfully with their environment, take ownership of their learning, and ultimately, become confident, self-sufficient individuals. Contact us to schedule a tour so you can see how young children use practical life activities in powerful ways!